A year ago, I posted this, and I was overwhelmed by the amount of support I received. I was also saddened by the many people who'd experienced similar situations. I don't pretend to be healed, or to know the secret recipe. However, I do think that writing about it, and sharing my story, has helped me see that I am not alone. I am not pathetic. I am still worthy of good things.
Now, I won't be repeating the details of what happened. If you want to know, even if only for some context, I encourage you to check out the link above.
One thing I would like to expand on this year are the list of triggers that I briefly mentioned in last year's post. I never went into the specifics of it, but I think it'd be good for me to reflect upon that list to get a full picture of the "progress" that's been made.
I'll be completely honest, I've had many many triggering episodes in the last year. Those moments never get easier.
Not that it matters, but because part of me still feels like the world, just like the cops, think I am full of shit, notice the time stamp on this note.
Thankfully, most of these things don't trigger me anymore. And, today's honestly the first time in over a year that I've gone through this list. I'm shocked at how the most minuscule things (water bottles, seriously??) used to put me on edge.
This list has evolved, for the most part. Objects aren't really triggers anymore. Instead, "ways of feeling" or specific songs that sound like the song that was playing in the background two years ago are included.
During the past year, I've gone to the hospital twice - that feeling of being alone in a hospital room, waiting, nope. I might have to have surgery soon - the thought of having to be vulnerable for days/weeks while people look over me has made me start hyperventilating in the middle of my drive to the point where I was about to pass out and had to pull over. Then, as part of my job, I found myself arguing for a man accused of raping his children to get a reasonable bond - I was not okay that night.
Those are only a few examples.
I've recounted the events of 2 years ago many times, and I still catch myself calling me a "dumbass" and blaming myself for not seeing the red flags until it was too late. These are things I'll have to continue working on.
Unlike last year, I've thought about 2/20 a lot since my last post. It's like I took 5 steps forward and 3 steps back. I do acknowledge, however, that I've come really far. 2 years ago, right after 2/20, I thought my marriage would break, I thought I'd never pass the bar, I thought I'd never be myself again, I thought I was meant to die that night.
But I'm here. My marriage is still flourishing. I've been an attorney for almost 1.5 years now. I still feel sexy sometimes. I'm excited for the many things to come. It does get better.
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